Anahi

A firefly landed on my knee as I sat on the steps that led up to my house. I smiled and tried not to move. This little guy was a small reminder that summer, my favorite season, wasn't over yet.

I lived with my older sister and her boyfriend. We ran away from home nearly 10 years ago after suffering from years of violence and abuse at the hands of our biological father. He was a disgruntled Ex-Marine with some deeply rooted issues. Our mother was quiet. We figured it was her way of protecting herself. Back then, I hated her for it. Now I can't blame her. She was trying to save her own life. The plan was to join the circus. We were going to travel the world and perform, but my sister was afraid of clowns. So that was the end of that.

I was pretty popular in high school. I kept up a "cool kid" persona even though my sister and I moved in and out of shelters. I made up stories about my scars. "The one on my stomach was from archery and the one right here on my arm is from kicking some girl's ass on the train." My audience was captivated by my made up adventures. I think that I wanted to believe my stories so much, that they sounded passionate enough to be true.

My plan was simple during and after my first 2 years in college. I was going to finish 2 years at a community college and transfer to an out-of-state school. I'd visit my sister on holidays, but I was really hoping to use the time away to "find myself". Halfway into my second year, my sister called me saying that her ex-boyfriend had hit her. I left class and ran home. My sister appeared to be fine, but I was a mess. I found him in the kitchen and kicked the shit out of him. When he fell because of the pain in his achilles, I kicked him harder. In his face. His ribs. Wherever I could get my foot to land. I was taking out years of abuse on a man that meant nothing to me because I was angry. Running away had left me without closure. I was kicking my father. My sister lifted me off of him and he called the cops. We were both arrested.

My lawyer was extremely sympathetic to my case. I was put on probation and court ordered to see a therapist. Her ex boyfriend went straight to jail because this was his second offense. I started failing classes because of all of the absences. As word got around school, I lost my financial aid too, and had to pay to re-do my entire second semester out of pocket. I blamed my father. I hated him. My therapist told me that all of my anger was unhealthy. She said that it would continue to destroy me and that he would continue to win. "You're a beautiful young lady, she told me. Your father has no idea how much he's hurt you. He's not necessarily a bad guy, he's just sick." I went home and cried my eyes out. I had hated him for over two decades but my therapist was right. I needed to learn to forgive my father in order to begin a life of happiness. ​ It's something I need to do every day. My sister thinks I'm crazy. That's okay. I love her with all of my heart and I'll always be there to protect her, but I'm doing this for myself. This is for my own shot at happiness. Just like the firefly, remember to shine bright even when you soar through darkness. It's never too late to change everything.