Happiness

I was raped in a house a few blocks from mine before I even knew what sex was. I remember limping home slowly, each step having enough time to fit 10,000 steps in between, as I tried desperately to process what had just happened to me.

I turned the corner to face my childhood house after what was supposed to be one of those "last memorable days of summer". To this day, I’m still numb when I hear the sound of the ice cream truck roll by. I froze as I stood staring at the house, wondering what further doom awaited me.

 “Would they even believe me?” I wondered. I hung my head and walked inside. I tried not to cry, so that I wouldn’t make things worse for myself.

My mattress was upside down on the floor. My clothes were all over and my dresser drawers were wide open.

 “I knew it” I whispered to myself. Luckily, my room could only fit the bed and the dresser, so it really couldn’t get any worse. I bent down, painfully, to pick up my favorite pink shirt but fumbled after being tackled from behind by my dad.

“I want all of these clothes in garbage bags in 15 minutes” he yelled with me still on the ground. I got to my knees, tried to stand again, stumbled, then awaited the inevitable second blow. The entire time, I said nothing. Mom helped me get everything except 1 single school uniform that hung in the closet. That was supposed to be my "wardrobe" for the foreseeable future. I ignored the blood that now stained my clothes. They weren’t mine anymore anyway.

“Where were you?” My mother asked, disappointed.

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Earlier that day, my dad had thrown me out for “walking the dog for too long”. I was 12, turning 13, and watching my little brother who was 10 at the time. My parents were headed home and my brother and I had just gotten home from school. I was supposed to walk the dog, who had eagerly been waiting for someone to come home after a long day of holding his bladder.

My friend Cassie lived around the corner. She was a little older, but her little brother was in the same class as my little brother, so we bonded over how annoying brothers can be. I had just started wearing a bra, so I felt a little older myself. I strapped up our dog, who was only a puppy at the time, and walked the usual route up the block and around the corner, passing Cassie’s house.

Cassie was already outside, and finished my walk with me up until we got back to my house. We sat outside and talked about stickers and glitter, usual girl stuff. I was still running away from boys that approached me on the playground. I firmly believed in cooties, and that I was going to be on the popular game show Family Feud one day.

15 minutes went by, for you can only talk about glitter for so long, and I went inside.

“Dad called” my little brother announced, barely looking up from his Xbox. My heart skipped a beat as I tried to remember if I had forgotten to do something. I called him back and I don’t even think the phone had a chance to ring before I heard his voice on the line.

“Where were you?” my dad asked.

“I walked Rex, then sat on the steps to talk to Cassie just for a second, I promise” I responded.

I wasn’t allowed to hang out after school, or to go to school functions either. I was supposed to come straight home after school, and I was timed. My dad kept a tight leash on all of us and if we disobeyed, we were punished aggressively.

“Go be with Cassie then, he yelled. I’ve been looking for a reason to get you out of this house anyway. I’ve known since you were 5 years old that we wouldn’t get along so just fucking go already.” This was the second time he had kicked me out this year. This was my biological dad.

“Please p- “I started to talk, but he hung up. I knew my execution would be humiliating, painful, and public if I disobeyed. I said good-bye to my little brother, who still hadn’t looked up from his game controller, and stepped back out into the world I was hidden from. I walked back to Cassie’s house.

This time, she was sitting with two boys. I had seen them both around the block before, but they were older, cursed a lot, and smelled like sweat and dirt. I usually stayed away.

“They let you outside?” Cassie asked, more concerned than excited.

I started to talk, but tears got to my lips faster than words could. She comforted me, and I explained what happened. The other boy, who will remain named, “The Boy”, threw his arm around me.

“You got us now, he boasted with the little base in his voice he could summon. We’re your family now.”

We began walking, his arm still around me as I switched between venting and crying. We stopped at a house with a huge “FOR SALE” sign in front. The house was new, 2 stories, and at the end of a dead-end block just two blocks away from my point of exile. The older boys shimmied through the window in the backyard and opened the door from the inside. I walked in behind Cassie, amazed.

“Are we all gonna live here?” I asked, feeling empowered to be hanging out with the cool kids, or anyone at all really. I was optimistic.

“Nah, this is just the chill spot, Brian, the other boy responded. Let’s check out upstairs”

We all followed. There were 3 empty rooms and a bathroom. I called dibbs in my head for the room closest to the bathroom, ignoring the fact that someone could move in any day.

“Just give me 5 minutes” Brian joked before closing one of the room doors behind him. I heard Cassie giggle behind the door.

Relieved to have found friends, and to actually be outside hanging out, I started to walk back downstairs to look through the neighbor’s trash for any old furniture we could keep in our new “clubhouse”. I had seen kids on tv with tree houses and forts and I thought it was a custom among other kids too. I asked The Boy to help me, and he looked at me like I was a Mole person. I withdrew the offer. They weren’t kids, they were teenagers.

“I’ve got a better idea” he smirked.

He grabbed my hand and took me to the other empty room. I had never been this close to a boy, or even alone with a boy that wasn’t my little brother, and I started to feel like I was itchy and on fire. I had grown up being told to stay away from boys and tolerating his presence was a lot harder without Cassie being there.

I didn’t want to be alone with him.

“I should go” I suggested, trying to leave the room without causing any trouble or embarrassing myself.

“Go where? The Boy asked. It’s not like you have a home”  

I froze, trying to think of a comeback as he approached me.

“I really hope this boy doesn’t try to kiss me” I thought to myself.

That was my idea of a “worst case scenario”, and I really wish that was the worst of it. He grabbed my belt, I tried to fight, and that’s the end of that.

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“I said, WHERE WERE YOU?” My mother asked again.

I couldn’t speak. Between the blood-shot eyes my dad had just given me, my torn apart room, and the events prior, I was defeated. I started to cry and my mom walked away from me.

“You did it to yourself” She hissed before leaving my room. My door was supposed to stay open all the time, and my parent’s room door was directly across. I’m not sure if they cared about me enough to ever look over at me, the pig they had created and the mud she lay in.

My father made it clear that he never wanted to have a girl.

I cut myself in the bathroom stall at school the next day and got caught. I passed out in class and when my teacher woke me up by gently placing her hand on my arm, I screamed.

I begged them not to tell my mom.

“I’m going to get in trouble, I cried to the Guidance Counselor and Principal. Please don’t tell her”.

I think that made them call her faster. An ambulance picked me up in front of the school, and all of the kids watched me get in. My mom picked me up from the hospital in silence. When we got home, I couldn’t wait any longer, and asked to be punished already. The anticipation was killing me. “What’s gonna happen to me?” I asked. My mom laughed, then imitated me cutting myself pretending to sob before chuckling, turning around and walking away.

“Why won’t they just let me die?” I asked myself before turning back into my room, wishing I could at least close my door so I could hate myself privately.

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I haven’t seen my father in 10 years, and my mom and I have begun an “on again/off again relationship over the past 2 years. I think that’s better than no relationship at all.

Late at night, around 2am or so, someone bangs on my door ballistically in the neighborhood of gangsters either dead or in jail. I live alone. I swing open the door and greet my best friend. Her smile beats her inside and I eagerly let her in. I’m protective of her, because she is a big part of a small family I have built, one that’s perfect for me. Maybe she will be on my Family Feud team one day. We laugh and promise we’ll go to sleep after one episode of The Office and end up staying up all night again. I groan and suck my teeth as the sun rises and I prepare to get to work by 9am. The only thing I hate about life today, is that there are never enough hours in the day. The ice cream truck rolls by early today but instead, I smile. “You get a little warm weather and these guys just pop out of nowhere, huh?” We laughed.

I am happy.

I am free.