Lucas & Diana

My twin sister Diana and I were only similar in appearance. She drove me crazy. She was always in my room. We were always fighting over the remote control and she would always deny eating any food I was saving for later with the crumbs still on her face. I once dug my nails into my skin until I started bleeding so that I could use the bleeding as an excuse to walk away from her when she started rambling about some dumb project she was working on. Maybe not dumb by definition, but dumb if you ask me. 

I got into a lot of trouble in high school. My sister was the "golden child" while I was the "black sheep". She would bring home A's and I wouldn't even go to school. She would lecture me daily about my grades and how I should apply myself so that I could get into a good college. I called her a nerd and would beg her to leave me alone with curt responses like "I know what I'm doing" or "Get a life". Not because I didn't love her, although that's a tough statement to argue given the evidence provided. She was the female version of myself and I was proud of her, but It was tough finding the motivation to do anything when she could do it better. 

It's my fault she died. 

Words hurt, and I didn't learn this until it was too late. Maybe I called her a dork too many times, and she had begun to take it to heart. I always thought my words went right over her head. How could she be interested in my opinion when she had so much going for herself? I thought to myself. 

One day, she got all dressed up and went out to a club with her Ivy League sorority sisters. My last words to her were "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." She laughed and said "So that's everything everyone else is doing, right?" Before I could catch her with a snappy comeback, she was already gone. 

That was the last conversation we ever had.

The next thing I knew, I was comforting my mother at a hospital while we waited for my dad to show up. Everything was a blur, and I hadn't had a chance to process what I had seen on the news the next morning. A woman was found half dressed in front of a hospital. Unconscious, but no sign of a struggle. The doctors said it was alchohol poisoning, but I knew it was my fault. She just wanted to prove to me that she wasn't a "nerd". All she wanted was for me to go to school. She saw potential in me that I couldn't see in myself. I could look at her like a mirror and still forget that we were practically the same person. If it's selfish to assume it was my fault, then call me selfish too. 

It's been 7 years. I got my GED about 3 years ago and now I'm a pre-med student out west. I want to be able to save other people's sisters. Brothers and other family members too of course, but this is clearly a personal thing for me. I want Diana to be proud of me when I tell her my story. If we ever meet again. When we meet again.