Paula Spera

"Growing up without a dad and living with a mom on welfare was pretty rough. Even though my mom always made sure I had food and all of the hottest clothes and toys out, she was pretty unstable. She couldnt keep an apartment and we were always moving from place to place. At one point, we even lived out of a car. Growing up, I always wanted to be a basketball player. That was my first love. I'd go everywhere with my ball and pretend I was Michael Jordan.

I was an outcast and awkward as a child. I had no friends in school and I always felt shy and embarressed to be around other kids. I was also a bookworm. My mom pretty much put a stop to the career that I am 100 percent sure I would've had as a ball player when she forced me to go on to a highschool that was all academic - with no sports teams. All she really cared about was me going to school and graduating, but who can focus on school when you don't know where you'll be living because your mom isn't paying the rent? Or when you're getting woken up out of your sleep at 2 or 3 in the morning because your mom's boyfriend is drunk and abusing you along with everyone else in the house?

I know my mom loved me, but she really never knew how to show it. Her way was a new pair of Jordan's rather than giving me a hug or telling me she loves me. At 14, I went from the shy girl to a juvenile. I started lashing out, coming home late, doing drugs and always getting into fights. I had no guidance. I was so angry. I started writing rhymes and I looked up to Eminem. His music was very therapeutic for me and he got me through so much. I felt his anger and pain and I felt like he was talking directly to me when I would listen to him. I thought it would be pretty dope to have my story on paper too.

I didn't graduate and I was too shy to get on stage and tell my story to a crowd back then. I felt like I had lost. I'm 29 and still trying to get myself together. I got my GED in '08 and im graduating this year with my Associates in Liberal Arts. I went with Liberal Arts because I was originally aiming to become a Correctional Officer and I needed a certain amount of college credits. However, I was recently diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic disorder, so it holds me back from doing a lot and the life of a C.O. is stressful. I'm working on it and trying to fight it, but now I've decided to continue my journey and pursue a Bachelors degree as a guidance counselor so I can work with kids who come from broken homes that are lost like I was.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be a ball player or some kind of famous artist. Maybe my mom and my step dad see more potential in me than I seen in myself. All I know is that I have a lot of regrets, but it's all a growing lesson. I've been sober for 4 years now. 4 years and counting."